I can recall at least two instances in my life where my father displayed any kind of affection towards me. One was when I was 5 or 6 y.o. as I lay in a hospital bed recovering from surgery to remove a clot from my ear, suffered as a result of hitting my head against the headboard of a bed. How did I hit my head against the headboard you ask? Keep in my mind we were 5 y.o. when I explain how I was jumping up and down on a bed with a girl, named Michelle.
My family had gone over to a friend’s house for a party, the occasion for which I can’t recall, but I do recall how even at 5 y.o. I was smitten with Michelle. We hit it off so well, but what do you do to have fun with a girl when you’re 5, but use her parents’ bed as a trampoline? So, there we were jumping up and down on the bed, having a great time, and the next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed with a needle in my arm, bandages around my head, and my father kneeling down beside my bed, his head bowed down resting against his hands, clasped together in prayer. It’s one of the few touching memories I have of my father.
The other actually came after his death when, while at his funeral, one of his employees approached me and explained that when I called my dad for Father’s day that year, he stopped everything he was doing, stuck his head out of his office door, and instructed his secretary to hold all his calls; demanding that he not be bothered, explaining, “I’m talking with my son.” To this day I find it difficult to hold back the tears as I picture that event.
A year previous to that Father’s Day phone call, I had a blow-up with my father regarding his other wife and family. A cousin with whom I was close felt it difficult to hide from me the fact that my father had another family, especially since she regularly interacted with my half-brothers and half-sisters. She confided this fact with me and I, in my sanctimony, self-righteousness and moral superiority, took it upon myself to confront, challenge and call my father on his indiscretion. In my immaturity, ignorance, and naiveté I thought I could turn my father from the “dark side” [1]. Suffice it to say, that I failed miserably as my father rejected and dismissed my “authority” to question, challenge, and confront him on this issue. I returned to school in San Diego with my tail between my legs, my ego bruised and bitter feelings towards my father. In college I served as a writing tutor helping other students with their writing.
During the previous semester I got to know a student while helping her on a couple of her papers. We reconnected this next semester and became friends. We were both commuter students and since the tutoring session was our last class of the day, I routinely escorted her back to her car. The time it took to walk back to our cars provided ample opportunity to get to know each other. She was aware of my course of study and eventual goal to be a Catholic priest. This caused her to trust me and, over time, confide in me. I provided a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. One thing, however, led to another and we eventually became physically intimate. It was a short-lived affair as she was already married – a fact of which I was already aware.
This event caused much pain, regret, remorse and self-condemnation. It was a major “hot stove” experience for me. There’s an adage that says, “An unguarded strength is a double weakness”. I’m acutely aware of the accuracy of this adage in my life. As someone about to enter the priesthood, I prided myself on my ability to resist sexual temptation, my resolve to take a vow of celibacy, which was “evidence” of my commitment to God, which only fed the conceit that I would be that much closer to God, morally superior, more virtuous and further along that “stairway to heaven”[2] than the average person. The irony wasn’t lost on me. When the fog of passion cleared and I fully realized what I had done, I could personalize David’s experience when God used Nathan the prophet to rebuke David over his acts of adultery and murder[3]. I realized with greater clarity my hypocrisy much like Moses, perhaps, when challenged by his fellow Israelites after he had killed the Egyptian[4]; though in my case, I killed the Egyptianafter I lectured my brothers against the same.
The realization of my moral failure and hypocrisy prompted a letter and phone call to my father asking his forgiveness for my presumption, arrogance and pride; a call I’m glad to have made, and a letter I’m thankful to have written before his death. I find that the longer I walk with God, the closer I get to Him, the nearer I come to the “Father of Lights”[5]; the more His Light is shed on my sinfulness, the more clearly I see my depravity, the wickedness and deceitfulness of my heart - so much so that, increasingly, the sobering reality sets in how that, “…all [my] righteousnesses (sic) are like filthy rags…”[6]; serving to further dispel any stubbornly persistent delusions of personal righteousness apart from, and independent of, God. The subsequent years have proven to be my “humiliation in Midian” - a continued humbling, a sanctification process, a becoming more like Jesus; so that one day, perhaps, I may also say, “I do only what I see the Father doing”[7]. I fully expect this to be a life-long process, but however long it takes I trust, “…that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”[8], or at least until DAD calls me Home.
“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Pr.16: 18 NIV)
“A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” (Proverbs 6:32 NIV)
“Brothers if anyone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted…if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” (Gal. 6:1 NIV)
“You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Mt. 5:27-28 NIV)
“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23 NIV)
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…” (John 8:6-8 KJV)
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16 NIV)
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” (Psalm 51:1-4 NIV)
“Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18 NIV)
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV)
“Youth is wasted on the young.” (George Bernard Shaw)
“And isn't it ironic, don't you think A little too ironic, and yeah I really do think” (Ironic, Alanis Morissette)
"Sweet the sin, Bitter the taste in my mouth" (Running to Stand Still, U2)
“You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:46-47 NIV)
[1] Star Wars, 1977
[2] “Stairway to Heaven”, Led Zeppelin
[3] 2 Samuel 12
[4] Exodus 2:11-4 NIV
[5] James 1:17 KJV
[6] Isaiah 64:5-7 NKJV
[7] John 5:19 NIV
[8] Philippians 1:6 NIV
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