Guest Post by Clarence:
For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? (Mt.16:26 NKJV)
My father died at 54 of his first and only heart attack. They found him dead on the plane during a layover in Hawaii returning from a trip to the Philippines. He had just interviewed for a cabinet position for the incoming administration of Fidel Ramos. He was at the prime of his life. It was an abrupt ending to such a promising career and real American success story.
If I could provide some background: My father was born into a family of moderate means, as his parents were both teachers. And if teaching isn’t a lucrative profession here in the U.S., it’s less so in the Philippines. He was the 3rd child in a family of 10 kids. He fought and struggled for everything he got. Eventually, he became a lawyer in the Philippines in a climate of political instability. He was involved in politics and wrote decrying the graft and corruption of the then-democratic government of Ferdinand Marcos. He understood the political climate, the dictatorial tendencies of the Marcos regime, and foresaw the coming declaration of martial law. To avoid political persecution, therefore, he joined the “brain drain” of intellectuals and professionals leaving the Philippines that occurred prior to Ferdinand Marcos’ eventual declaration of martial law and reign as a dictator through the 70s and 80s.
He and my mom arrived in NYC, in this land of opportunity. And finding himself in a new country, he worked hard to provide for a young family, selling life insurance. I still remember him occasionally (when baby sitters were unavailable) taking me, my sister, and brother who was still in diapers along with him to appointments. I recall him taking us to these tenement buildings and knocking on apartment doors. When the occupants asked, “Who is it?” he cried out, “Insurance man!” and they would let us in. I think it helped him close some deals by toting us around.
While providing for us selling insurance, he was also self-studying for the bar exam that would allow him to practice law in the U.S. I still recall him seated at the kitchen table, reading law books late at night, writing notes and typing papers. His hard work finally paid off when while I was in 3rd grade he passed the bar exam and was able to practice law in the U.S. and eventually serve as a judge. It’s a true American success story and an example of how hard work, determination and perseverance can result in achieving one’s goals and dreams.
With that background, it’s easier to understand my father’s drive and desire for us to succeed. He envisioned that I would one day follow in his footsteps, become a lawyer, and join him in his practice. Being the eldest, however, much was expected of me, and when I failed to meet those expectations, bore the brunt of his disappointment at the end of a belt. The corporal punishment, however, wasn’t the kind delivered by a loving parent, concerned with “…train[ing] a child in the way he should go”[1], offering reassuring words of his continued love and attempts to comfort at the end; but delivered, rather, with a meanness, vindictiveness and malice reserved for one’s enemy (evidenced by the bruises both physical and emotional).
I have to admit that his bark was worse than his bite, as even the mere raising of his voice would unnerve, disturb and perplex me, especially when he grew impatient with me. As a result, I feared my father and his outbursts, and distanced myself from him as I adopted passive/aggressive behaviors[2] (e.g. procrastination, depression, avoidance, etc.), as a defense mechanism to cope with the stress of my early childhood - a fault and weakness against which I guard as an adult.
Compounding this paternal dysfunction was the fact of his absenteeism due not so much to career as to his infidelity towards our mother. My father had another wife while still married to our mother – a secret he kept well-hidden from us. After his death, I came to know my half-brothers and sisters (all 6 of them) and learned of the warm, loving and fond memories they had of him. I was actually jealous of the affection my half-siblings received from my father. I envied them their warm memories of my father and close relationship they enjoyed with him. Maybe he distanced himself from us, because he loved his other wife more, I don’t know, but I felt gypped, deprived, and cheated of having a dad. Please understand, I love my father, but I hated what he did to us. I trust he’s in heaven (based on reports of his accepting Christ later in life), but we still had to live with the effects of “…the sins of the fathers.”[3] I can’t speak for my siblings as, “…each heart knows its own bitterness…”[4], (perhaps matters of the heart, feelings and emotions is the proper province of relativism) but this paternal dysfunction was instrumental in my early development and produced in me a “quiet defiance” towards my father and authority. It was also during this period in my life (jr. high – H.S.) that I began to seriously doubt the existence of God, and even contemplate suicide.
"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy (1875-77)
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then (“Cats in the Cradle”, Harry Chapin)
“Hate the sin, love the sinner” (Mahatma Gandhi)
"The unexamined life is not worth living." (“Apology”, Socrates)
Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find? (Pr. 20:6)
No one else can know your sadness, and strangers cannot share your joy (Pr.14:10 NCV)
“Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, Amplified)
"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” (Mt.18:5-6)
*Richard III, Shakespeare
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